I've had some hard shit hitting lately.
There's been good shit too, and lots of it, but the hard side has been getting most of my attention...
I’m not going to sugarcoat it. The last couple of months have been tough.
Under completely unrelated circumstances, I’ve had two very close friends tell me they could no longer speak to me. I won’t get into the details of it, because I honestly don’t fully understand it myself. But even if I did — even if it really was all my fault, I’m still left reeling.
The question I keep asking myself is “what on Earth is wrong with me?”
Plenty, clearly. I’m far from perfect, I know that. I just wish I knew what the specific thing is that I should be working on right now. I don’t want this to happen again. I’m afraid of it. It sucks.
Overall I consider myself an alright guy. I’m reminded of the “Stuart Smalley” sketches from SNL in the 90s. Al Franken plays a tender hearted therapist who encourages his clients to look in the mirror and say “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”
I’ve been doing some of that. I’m not ashamed of it.
We all need some positive self talk in our lives. I probably do it too much.
Unlike most people I come across, I have an uncommonly high view of myself. I believe God created me on purpose, and for a purpose. Not some better version of me, but the only me there will ever be. The guy typing these words right now.
If only everyone else loved and valued me the same way God does... Now that’s a world I could get used to.
But that’s not the world we get right now. We get the busted version. The one where we are tasked with acting like Jesus ourselves — and man, do we screw it up.
In these moments of wondering what the hell went wrong, these moments of asking myself how and where I need to grow — sometimes I can get quiet enough, and I hear God whisper a secret into my soul that breaks me:
“Hey buddy. I’m on the clock, ok? I know about this. It matters to me. You matter to me. I told you in Isaiah - the bruised reed I will not crush, and the smoldering wick I will not snuff out. That’s about you. I’ve got you. Believe it. Don’t lose heart. I’m with you. Above and below you, before and behind you, in every eye that sees you. Everywhere you go, that’s where I’m going too. We are in this together, pal. I’ve got eyes on it.”
You see, for me, God doesn’t teach nearly as much as he shepherds.
And that’s kinda how God works for all of us, isn’t it? Whichever way we want to spin it, he will spin it out some other way. One thing he seems bound and determined about is never letting us get confused about who is in charge.
The more we yearn for control, the more it will be taken from us.
God desires us to be leaders who follow hard after him, not leaders who follow hard after ourselves.
Maybe that’s the thing I need to work on the most.
If you’re struggling with something similar to this — the loss of a close friend, or the end of a meaningful relationship, just know that you’re not alone.
I heard a blessing years ago that Brennan Manning used to give at the end of his talks. It came from his spiritual director, Larry Hine, and it sucks to hear — but it’s perfect.
“May all your expectations be frustrated.
May all your plans be thwarted.
May all your desires be withered into nothingness.
That you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child,
and sing and dance in the love of God,
who is father, son, and spirit. Amen.”
